going home

i stink. my hair is greasy and my clothes are dirty. i made the mistake of not getting in the shower when i damn well should have and now it is apparently better that i shower at home. ia lways screw something up when i do anything so i will foul the air of the local aldi with my funk before i go home so that i can avoid the pricey publix and the general difficulty of getting two kids throught that nightmare parking lot and through the too small store. god i stink. it really sucks. it really stinks. i never know what to expect next and the only thing i am sure of is that i love her and i want her to be mine and i think i make myself into a bit of a doormat over it. i have never wanted anyone around, really, i preferred to be left the hell alone. that changed when i met her and now i'm making a fool of myself everyday just to try to make her happy, to see her smile. i am such an ass.

confessions from the road to hell that was paved with good intentions

A. deserves that C. I'll leave those zeroes there. D has been coming in and trying to make up work, she ahs separated herself from her friends so she can focus. I'll keep taking away those awful module grades from when she didn't care about me, herself, or anything other than gossiping and chicks. J broke his hip - he just fell in the hallway before class. He limped around school in intense pain for a week before he got to a doctor. He's a 16 year old boy, not an osteporatic post-menopausal woman. Then he couldn't get work done because his family can't afford a laptop and he had no access to his assignments. Out go the module grades. AG yet again wouldn't sit down for a moment, refused to even write a name on his assignment, and almost started a fight with A today. He needs that high D - he needs to see he could have done so much better.
I am fixing grades.
I always tell my students - you earned that A/B/C/D/F, I didn't GIVE it to you! You should be proud/ashamed/motivated to do better. Now, though, for the first time in my teaching career, I am throwing out zeroes because I felt the mode of "instruction" (it felt more like babysitting) was not effective and didn't serve my students needs. What good does it do them to suffer these zeroes? There are a few I am letting pass only because if they don't, they are lost for good. They did enough work, they had enough good days that I know they can pul it together for me. I will let the manic-depressive behavior influence my judgement just enough to say - that day, she wasn't on her meds. I could tell. She gets a pass that day.
It just sucks that now I won't know for sure until this course is over if my instruction could have made the difference. Now they have to sit through those accursed modules again until we get to chemistry - my true love. My only concern is whether or not I can order supplies to give them the hands on lab experiences they deserve to understand the topics I want to teach them. I have now spent a month buliding up their confidence in conjunction with their math teacher, who uis apparently my teaching twin. She is caring, brilliant, emotionally invloved with the kids and invested in their learning. We have spent hours talking about them and how to help them, and it seems we are stalled at every turn. Why aren't we being recognized for the successes we are having with these difficult, learning disabled, emotionally resistant kids? To see them with us, you would never know they started out the school year with every intention of getting us fired before they ever met up. Quit, get fired, make our lives so miserable we would leave in tears, didn't matter. Now if she cries, they come to me too to make sure I'm ok. They use our names interchangably and never notice they do it, they call us Mom. Ma. Mommy. Mom. Ma ... and this is because we changed the mode of instruction so we could reach them and give them the attention they desperately needed. Now they are willing to suffer the modules in order to protect our jobs! Why can't our principal see what we have done here?!
I am proud of what I have done. I am proud of my lessons and I am proud to be a part of this school. I am just tired of crying over it.

kevi smith knows the turkey love

I was listening to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on NPR and Kevin Smith, among his many other comdic and moviemaking talents, knew this fun fact about turkeys. Bored scientists decided to find out how little a turkey needed to make it get hot. They started with a real female turkey, and the turkey liked it. Then they tried a dummy, and the male still responded. Typical right? So then they got creative and started to see how little of the dummy Mr Turkey needed to get hot. They STARTED REMOVING BODY PARTS and as they removed the legs, wings, tail, and eventually body, the male turkey still had the hots for the dummy! In the end, the male turkey managed to get hot over a female turkey dummy head on a stick. HEAD ON A STICK IS NOT SEXY! This is further evidence in my life experience that turkeys are the stupidest creatures on the entire planet and deserve to be eaten for Thanksgiving.

17 reasons why

Something that makes a person wonderful - when they make you want to be a better person. MH pointed out some things I have done with my kids like letting them have yogurt when I said no dessert - yogurt is not dessert to me but it was a sweet treat. This is my wonderful. I sometimes wonder if it should be more.

flame broiled love

my darling made us burgers on the grill. they fell apart - on the grill. being resourceful, she made it work, and they were yummy. i love her. she is tickling my feet - no more blogging tonite!

she loves me yeah yeah yeah

I am so lucky. My sweet honey got up early to spend time with me. She has been working herself silly and she works nights, so we never get to see eachother. The past week has been rough with school and she got up early just to see me. She then proceeded to make me dinner and sat on the couch with me - it may sound like something little but usually she sits in her own chair - and cuddled me and started tickling my back and was generally being unbelievably sweet and silly. Made for a great evening that I had planned to spend zonked out. The craziness with my kids dad and the thought that now I have to figure out how to pay for a lawyer instead of simply getting a mediator, school craziness, missing my honey, worrying about moving ... my baby made my night.

like georgia o'keefe and shane got creative one night

Thanks to Liz Langely for noticing this loveliness:
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?ref=vl_other_1&listing_id=29601292
It's called the Vag Badge. I heart it so very much. Straight women and some men have no appreciation for the incredible beauty only a woman has, and as Liz mentions in her blog, our society is WAY too obsessed with penises.

and on the third day there were brownies

Ted Kennedy died today. I am so very sad. The Lion of the Senate. His friendship with Orrin Hatch gave me faith in humanity, or at the very least, american politicians. I miss my kids so much my stomach hurts and a little boy died on Bones and it's making me cry. I hate dropping them off with their dad. I really hope I get one of the houses I am trying to rent. They keep asking me if I have a house yet. It's been really hard living with DG, she sleeps all day and works all night. We can't really play in the house, they can't go in their room because it's too close to our room, if they cry I have to hustle them outside so they don't wake her, if they are outside they have to stay on one side so they don't make noise near the bedroom window, if they play with toys and we don't get them all picked up properly before she wakes it causes a clash. I dread her waking up at night because I know there will be something I missed that will piss her off. I make it sound so bad. It's not quite like that. It's just incredibly challenging trying to blend my family with someone who has lived alone for years and never with children. The icing on the cake is my unbelieveably stupid ex husband and his ridiculous and naive antics.
"You discern humanity in the wreck of a human body." Angelas boss on Bones just described her job like that. I like that. I love the idea of the kids I am teaching getting a second chance, an opportunity to wipe clean the slate of their prior educational experience and become happier people. These kids are SMART. Some come on so strong with the attitude that I can see why they struggled in regular school. The problem is that underneath they are incredibly discerning and intelligent and demand relevant, challenging curriculum. They have opened up to me so quickly. Usually it takes a few weeks for kids to be as accepting of me as they are after just a few days. I credit the school culture with that accomplishment. They expected us to be accepting and respectful, and were prepared to return the favor. The teachers I work with are, on the whole, very compassionate with very similar educational philosophies. My forte was always getting the kdis to love me so they would be willing to learn. Kids who don't love themselves are not going to find an inner motivation like they teach you in teacher college. You have to get them to want to do it for you. These kids want to do it for everyone in the school, from the principal to the security guard who teaches martial arts in the dojo. Have I mentioned that I love this school? A girl made brownies for all her teachers today. I started my THIRD DAY of school with BROWNIES! When asked "What's the occasion?" she replied "This school!" I heart my job.

you cannot be serious. oh, wait, you are.

Just got a call that the divorce paperwork is on the way, all fine and dandy cuz I didn't want child support and we have an uncontested divorce. Really? Who the HELL has he been talking to? Me. In his head? He has this whole thing laid out, he remembers the conversation we had "verbatim". Huh. He can't remember to pack the kids lunch or make sure his son has his backpack, but surely he remembers me saying no problemo, I'll just trust you to help me pay the kids insurance and OT therapy for DS #1 and daycare and braces and dental work. Oh wait, he can't hold down a job for more than a few months at a time. I'm supposed to trust him with money?! I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS dream of thinking of considering saying such a ridiculous and self destructive thing. This leads me to the conclusion that he is MAKING IT UP. The sad, scary thing is that he believes himself.

username : aho

Ah, Mission Accomplised. First Day of School behind me, pretty much everybody showed up, and only one class with too many kids. My curriculum the first half of the year is computer based, so too many kids is not an option. There is no where for them to sit and nothing for them to do. That doesn't always mean anything in public school, but there is a waiting list to get into my school so we have to give them what we promised them - a second chance, an opportunity to catch up with their peers and graduate high school on time. I started off with the usual, this is how my classroom runs, see how it looks, see how it sounds. Normal plethora of interruptions you get in any school. One class with a few kids trying me, testing my boundaries. Turns out the ringleader had issues with his bus schedule, a tough morning, and came to his school to find it had changed from a cozy one level cohort of 100 to a teeming mass of 300. Coming from a school of 3400 students and over 200 teachers, it feels plenty cozy to me, but he had gotten used to being the only child. Now the babies are taking over his space and his old teachers, and he has to get used to new ones, so he lashed out. I'll catch him on the flipside. After my Amazing PowerPoint Presentation on How My Class Works, I let my hair down a bit and ask the kids to tell me their "Story" It's a fill in the blank survey that lets them tell me as much or as little as they want about their lives. I got as little as "So and So isn't in class right now, plz leave a message" written in red ink in the upper corner of the paper to "I'm in foster care and I'm a good kid" and "I'm gay and I HATE it when people treat us different". Hear hear sister. Some really opened up, some didn't want to tell me anything more than their names, and even then it had to be doen on their own terms. The most common them was "I am a good person." Some of these kids have had awful experiences in the educational system and are looking for a fresh start. The people I work with all seem more than able to see past their tough exteriors. In the end, no matter how tough a kid acts, there is a child underneath. Tommorow I will do The Amazing Lab Safety PowerPoint, a Lab Safety Scavenger Hunt, and an observation lab.

be prepared.

The first day of school is tommorow. For me, this means a new job at a brand - new, literally, it just opened and we are all going crazy trying to make it all work, school, for my youngest son it means kindergarten, and for my oldest it means 2nd grade. He will be the oldest in his class, and remain that way for the rest of his career ... I think it means I am going to drive my girlfriend insane as well. I have been searching for a place to live for a month now. Trying to find a house on my budget in downtown Orlando is ridiculous. I moved in with her at the beginning of the year because I had no job and no place to go and my kids dad is living with his girlfriend. She was willing to let the kids live in her house but I don't trust him to take proper care of them - baths, proper bedtime, all that. Plus I miss them so much it makes my stomach turn traitor on my and I get really sick. SO I moved in with my gf. It almost dodn't happen ... I thought for a bit I was going to live in my car. My parents are great but they already have my 30 yo brother living there, he has a neurological disorder and he takes alot of time and energy. My dad is 72 years old. 6 people in that house is way too much. So I moved in here. I told her I would move out as soon as I got a job, I thought that was what she wanted. She didn't want to move to fast (we had been dating just over a year at that point) and I didn't want to overwhelm our relationship either but I had really limited options and she had a 5 bedroom house. So here I am now, with a job, looking for a place. At one point, when I jokingly said I would be out of her hair soon, no more Legos to step on, no more "Light up Orlando" in her house - her pet peeve is more than one light on in the house at a time - no more kids making noise during the day while she sleeps - she works night shift - we tiptoe and whisper to try to make it quiet enough, but kids make noise and forget and they shout or slam a door, and she is a light sleeper, so she wakes up and it is not a good thing when that happens - and I say it will all be better soon and she says if I didn't have kids maybe I would stay. I have kids. I love my kids. They are a part of me. I don't know exactly what is meant by that. So i stress about work and I freak about moving and I have a meltdown, finally, I cry and rant and she fianlly says; I will not joke with you anymore. I will not tease you. i will not be myself. Now I curse myself for being ... something. Selfish? needy? Her worst fear realized - codependent? All I know for sure is that I have NEVER started a school year knowing anything less that a month of lesson plans and having a grading scale in place and ll my little ducks in a row and I DON'T this time and I can't fix it and it's making me crazy but worrying about it won't fix it so I have to RELAX and I can't seem to do it and she is worried about money and we are a fucking mess.

fried seaweed snack make you soooo happy!

truly, I love baked nori. i love to let it get bright green in the oven and chomp on it, but I found this seaweed snack at the asian market and I am in love. It is cruchy, seaweedy, yummy, salty, and just heavenly in so many great ways. Try it you love it!!!

this kind of broke does not feel like a joke

I am broke. I have 1.71 in my checking account, no more change in the sofa or on the floor of the car, and a $300 electric bill to split with my gf, as well as rent, gas, food, and Mad Dog 20 20. I cannot wait to start working again.

diets don't work

Picked up ds#1 and #2 monday morning for their Fabulous Summer Camp Experience, as xh didn't want to cart them over to my place sunday p.m, and when asked what they had for lunch, poor d.s #1 had a handful of stick pretzels and a carton of milk, d.s#2 had the same plus - BONUS - a two inch piece of thin crust pizza. The looks on their faces have been haunting me all week. They tried to blow it off, act like it was ok, but they were hurt. Food is such a basic need when you are a child, and the problem wasn't that there was not enough food in the house, it was, according to xh, "i had a crappy day, i forgot to put something else in there, i fucked up." the something else was a piece of pizza for d.s #1. they are supposed to have 2 snacks, a drink to last the day, and lunch. i guess they were supposed to ration their ten pretzel sticks between morning and afternoon snack. this is on top of the fact that d.s #1 who has SPD is supposed to be taking DHA supplements every day to help his brain work and xh can't handle making sure that happens, so my 8 year old son must remember to take them and make sure he has enough there to get by. I fucked up is such a lame bullshit excuse, but it truly fits him. there was no reason not to properly pack childrens lunches, i can guarantee you he did not go without food or beer. my poor sweet girl is completely over hearing about this insanity and honestly, so am i, but i will NEVER GET AWAY FROM IT. i get serious guilt trips wishing i had never met him, or had the guts to leave him and let him kill himself without me as was his prerogative, because then i would never have had the darling monkey boys in my life and i adore them so much it hurts.

gawd i am ancient

DISCLAIMER: THIS BLOG POST IS VERY PG 13. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK OF BEING OFFENDED OR SOMETHING.

just realized i have known Old Friend for 20 years. thats a long time in my book, especially since i moved here to the sunshine state 20 years ago. she had the best advice i could ask for from a great friend, namely, what happens to xh if he cannot or will not pay for his childrens expenses is not my problem. that felt great. i hadn't realized til now that he really is no longer my problem (that took how many years?) and if he doesn't buck up i can't fix it for him. he was codependent, i was gay, we were a total disaster together. i married him because i truly believed that if i didn't stay with him he would die. he actually passed out and lost some basic control on my 21st birthday when my lovely lesbian neighbors took me out and got me drunk. that was a defining night in my life. i had told hot neighbor that i dreamed of women often and thought of women when in bed with him; she looked over at me in her truck and said, totally deadpan, "you are SO in the closet." i blubbered and denied it and started thinking it may be true, and was going to talk to him about it the next day until i came back to my home to find that if i simply went out for a few hours he couldn't even control his bowels. i tucked my reservations about myself away that night and kept them tucked for about a year. after we got married, i denied those feelings to him and kept my fantasies to myself, thinking that all heterosexual women had fantasies about other women, and it was normal to close your eyes during sex so you could come to the fantasy that a woman was touching you. i told many lies to myself and him for many years. i help on to a love from high school all those years and thought it was just normal pining for old friendship. after all, she moved out of state and i never really saw her or talked to her, which i now realize was because to do so was to realize how much i loved her. i simply wanted what many women want - a family, to be normal, to fit in. to this end, i had lots of sex for many months before i conceived my first child. pregnancy makes me horny. i spent much of this time diggin up his porn to find the girl on girl action, still denying what that meant. after all, we were having a baby and the baby had to have parents. after he was born, i let the baby be the reason for lack of intimacy. that lasted a few years until i went to a gay bar with my little gay brother and met trisha. wow. al lot of pent up lust went into a mad makeout session in an empty room where the drag show had ended hours earlier and i came home with some mad hickeys that would demand explanation in the morning. not wanting to deal with that, i woke him and made sure he sucked my neck. i knew i was going to have to face my issues, but i wanted to deal with them in my own head before i told him. a month later the stick turned blue and i was preggo with ds#2. again, not wanting to to rock the boat, terrified of being a single mom, still in school, i let it go. by the time ds#2 was old enough for pre k and i was settled into a good job, i finally faced my issues. i was such a wuss. i had to be self sufficient before i did it. why i waited so long, i don't know. i can lay it out, explain it, say i thought this, here was my reasoning, but even as i do so here i do not understand myself.

lets do lunch

going to see an old friend for lunch tomorrow. she has already been through the divorce thing and gotten it done, and her xh is worse than mine with the drinking and inability to hold down a job end of it. honestly though i think xh's gf is reason he is not falling in a gutter right now. he was a whorey mess after we split. he even rationalized bringing ds#1 to a bar and teaching him to play pool - "they serve food and it's still light out." i cannot make this up. i am not that creative. had a lot on the mind lately. spent two days on phone with unemployment office hearing a busy tone and "no representatives are available at this time. please visit us online or CALL BACK LATER. click. got put on hold once but it hung up on me, so no unemployment check this week and i am broke. start working again soon but no check til september. looking forward to having my own place. i adore my gf but we all need our own space and i really want my own home. after years of living with xh moving furniture every week and letting drug addled freaks wander through the house whenever i am looking forward to drug free decor. so, Dear Old Friend, can't wait to see you. haven't really seen her much since i came out. that is all a story for another blog that needs to be told. just not right now.

Pros and Cons

No more cats. Cats get hit by cars.

When I grow up

I think, when I grow up, I wanna be ...
A beekeeper. I just saw Secret life of bees, and Queen Latifah made it look hella sexy.
A good mom.
A falconer. It just sounds cool.
A surfer. Two Words - Curl Girls. Super hella sexy.
In reality land ...
I was a teacher. Just when you think you chose the one profession that would not be affected by the economy, scissor happy law makers cut the education budget to ribbons.
I worked in a vet clinic, and it was fun. Not enough money, though, and I don't want the crushing debt of vet school.
Maybe ... an echosonographer, or a lab tech. I love growing germs, it's really fun, I wonder how fast it would get boring.
A jet pilot.
Inspired.
A writer. Who doesn't, really?
An ad writer. I love advertising in a strange way.
Well travelled.
Loved.
In love.