this chick

This amazing chick. I had forgotten about this blog ... I have married her since my last update. I knew from the get-go that this relationship was different. I see the rest of my life when I look at her. I see happiness and sunshine. I knew her even when I didn't know her, I felt like she was the one I was meant to come home to. I love her.

wow how much can change in so little time ... its amazing that i look back on that last blog and I think i saw it coming. I was moving too fast for my own comfort and lo and behold, it was too fast for her too! When she said we needed to stop dating I took it as the bitter end. I thought it was over and I couldnt believe how much it hurt - i dont think I have ever hurt that much. I never cried like that, I was crying myself to sleep every night and tossing and turning, completely unable to rest. The only thing that made it bearable was being as active as possible, riding my bike as fast as I could for as long as i could and running every day. Unfortunately I ended up hurting my ankle int he process, but it worked out when we started really talking again and working things out. I really like not feeling obligated to her, not feeling like she is my girlfriend meaning wife and someone I am beholden to. Granted she offered up my apartment to feed her family, but I was going to do that anyway. Interesting how I didnt want to offer because I didnt want to seem like I was trying too hard, and then she came to me sounding all sorry that she had volunteered my place without asking. Really, how can anyone be so freaking adorable? im really loving how she is with the kids,and how well we function together as "friends", I love what we are doing now and I hope we can go for a good long time without feeling the need to label it or put any set boundaries on it. she says i can sleep with other people if i want - but i wonder how she would really feel of i did. Funny how being given the freedom to do it if i wanted to doesnt make me want to at all. I don't just sleep with people - and I have no desire to give my heart away again. Im good for now.

old dogs and new tricks

Trey just ran like a madman for the couch and totally made it too. He's pretty proud of himself but he is stomping around DW's apartment like a bunch of fat people being chased by zombie werewolves. It stresses me out. She doesn't want me to stress but old habits die hard. She wants to sleep and made that obvious when she slammed her bedroom door shut when trey was playing with a doggie squeak toy. I get being cranky in the morning, with all my heart, I'm just wondering if she's thinking this whole living with kids idea wasn't the best after all. It's hard, having someone who wants to wake up at the ass crack of dawn every day regardless of hours of sleep and needs breakfast, meds, playmates, supervision, electronics assistance, how-to-play-with-cats-without-getting-bitten tutorials .... He just leapt off the couch for the 55th time and I don't have the ADHD-whispererer magic that she does to get the point across to him ... she is amazing with this little boy, I feel like I am getting schooled as a mom sometimes. I also feel like she is doing all the work. She says if she feels overwhelmed she will tell me ... I just don't want to lose this. If this is how real love feels, I'm giving it one shot, with her and only her, because the thought of losing it hurts so much I don't think I would have the balls to try again with anyone else. I've never loved this way before.

dirty bingo

so sometimes i just don't know how to call a spade a spade. i think i manage to convince myself that things don't bother me when they do. why the fuck do i do this? it's really stupid. that chinese food isn't rotten, i might say.i wouldn't want to hurt it's foodie little feelings by tossing it in the dumpster for the rabid raccoon who lives in my neigborhood to eat and get sick off of, so i will eat it. dumbass. i sent my girlfriend off to play dirty bingo and possibly get too drunk to drive back to my house tonight. lets be real here. did i have a choice in the matter? sure! be an asshole and say no, i miss you, i want you here, i don't want you playing dirty fucking bingo without me, asshole like, or the right way, which is to NEVER order the woman you love around and tell her what to do. she made these fucking plans before she met me! shit, if i had plans like that, would I cancel? no. i might work a little harder at making sure she came along too, but then again, we come back to the controlling asshole aspect of you go with me or not at all. i hate controlling. i hate it. it was done to me for so long i refuse to do it to someone else. am i just getting a taste of my own medicine and not liking it? fuck.

oregon is beautiful

Life is a funny adventure, isn't it? I'm chilling on the couch with the most amazing chick,funny, educated, well spoken, gorgeous, fun, open, witty, loving, affectionate ... her pro and con list is totally off balance. the pro side is a mile long and the con side has nothing ... yet ...

auld lang syne

So it's New years eve. I spend it with my girlfriend but bereft of my children. They are a little fuzzy on the idea of a new year beginning, so we spoke about it a bit in the car. It means a new year is starting, I tell them, at midnight. I mull that over after I say it. Such a momentous thing, a whole new year, and it sits delicately balance on the second that make today yesterday, that makes 2010 turn into 2011. Unfortunately, on this New years eve, I am congested and sick. I am popping advil and sudafed like a meth addict with no chemistry skills. I will comfort myself with time with my honey, and that will make that precious second when the old year becomes new, young and full of promise as special as it can be without my children here with me. I miss my boys.

excommunicated

i'm so tired of hearing about how i don't communicate. yup, sometimes i misunderstand, and i suck at talking on the phone. my counselor even said that most of communication is done through body language. if a relationship is conducted almost always over the phone, there is bound to be SOME mis-communication on BOTH sides. my life challenges me all day every day. there is no relax at home and read a book, there is try to read a book and run interference between two kids while planning what we do next to keep my little ADD loveys occupied and happy because they simply need the stimulation and activity or they will be miserable and unhappy. There are full days of dealing with the kids who will end up being the freaky people you see at the DMV and wonder if they are really the general public and you have to love them with all your heart because that is your JOB and it's ok, because you love it, but your communication sucks and then everything falls down. i don't know what else to say. i'm sorry and i love you.