auld lang syne

So it's New years eve. I spend it with my girlfriend but bereft of my children. They are a little fuzzy on the idea of a new year beginning, so we spoke about it a bit in the car. It means a new year is starting, I tell them, at midnight. I mull that over after I say it. Such a momentous thing, a whole new year, and it sits delicately balance on the second that make today yesterday, that makes 2010 turn into 2011. Unfortunately, on this New years eve, I am congested and sick. I am popping advil and sudafed like a meth addict with no chemistry skills. I will comfort myself with time with my honey, and that will make that precious second when the old year becomes new, young and full of promise as special as it can be without my children here with me. I miss my boys.

excommunicated

i'm so tired of hearing about how i don't communicate. yup, sometimes i misunderstand, and i suck at talking on the phone. my counselor even said that most of communication is done through body language. if a relationship is conducted almost always over the phone, there is bound to be SOME mis-communication on BOTH sides. my life challenges me all day every day. there is no relax at home and read a book, there is try to read a book and run interference between two kids while planning what we do next to keep my little ADD loveys occupied and happy because they simply need the stimulation and activity or they will be miserable and unhappy. There are full days of dealing with the kids who will end up being the freaky people you see at the DMV and wonder if they are really the general public and you have to love them with all your heart because that is your JOB and it's ok, because you love it, but your communication sucks and then everything falls down. i don't know what else to say. i'm sorry and i love you.

Is it friday yet?

i can't wait. i want friday to be here NOW.
i met all my new kids today. they seemed pretty pissed about being demoted down to my lame ass regular level class in the middle of the year. can't blame them. the rub is i can't do anything about it. i can't change it, i can't change my job. i just have to stick it out. on the bright side, i realized today that my scale model of the solar system activity won't fit on the field behind the cafeteria. ima hafta make it work some other way. i'm thinking the sun will be somewhere off in the apartment housing near the school and mercury near the entrance, then take earth in the front office and end up with the gas giants behind the school. it's pretty mind blowing to see it laid out to scale, i think the kids will enjoy it. at least i have great kids to teach this year. if only my co workers could be at least competent, or pleasant, but they are neither. sigh. such is life.

Level 0.5

Ok kiddos - here's a study guide. You have 20 minutes to work on it with your partner before I go over it. Work ensues.
20 minutes later.
OK #1 (I read the question)and kid A has the answer.
Great Kid A!
I repeat the answer.
Kid B: What was that?
I repeat the answer.
Kid C: Can you spell that?
I spell the answer.
Kid D: What was the answer again?
I repeat the answer.
Kid E: How do you spell it again?
I spell the answer.
Kid A has their hand up to answer number 2.
Kid B: How did you spell that?
I spell the answer.
Kid E: I don't have a pencil.
I get Kid E a pencil.
Kid E: What was the question?
I inform Kid E it is on their paper.
Kid E: What paper?
The one in front of you sweetie.
Kid E: It's blank.
Turn it over hon.
Kid E: Oh. What was the answer?
I repeat the answer.
Kid B: I don't remember this.
It's in your notes.
Kid B: I don't have any notes.
Yes you do.
Kid B: You took them.
No babe they're right here, remember we found them together?
Kid B: Oh yeah. What are they about again?
Look at the title. Earthquakes Notes.
Kid B: Oh. Ok.

Sigh. Margarita time.

MY This I believe

I think I know myself. I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. I know that right now I have this undercurrent of desire to run around the house singing and dancing and scream in the parking lot. I know I have a deep love of beetles and spiders. Especially beetles. I love beetles. I feel like jumping up and screaming sometimes and keeping it locked up makes me fidgety. I know that sometimes I think I would be happy to be dead, end on a relatively positive note and just get out while the gettings good, but I have kids and if they end up with their dad full time they might grow up to be REALLY WEIRD PEOPLE. I know that sometimes I fantasize about beating their dad into a bloody pulp and that the times I lost control of that urge when we were married could have been much worse than they ended up being. I'm pretty sure if I didn't have the job I have I would be miserable. When I wasn't doing what I do now I was miserable. I know I'm not right and when my temper surfaces everyone around me suffers. It makes me want to punch a wall. Sometimes I just kick the shit out of the wall. I hate the medication I take to make me not want to do that - it makes me fat and forgetful. So my choice is to be thin and angry or fat and forgetful. It makes me sleepy too. My girlfriend tells me I sleep too much. I love her too much kiss her too much hug her too much and tell her I love her too much too. I guess I'm jsut too much for her. I feel like I live on the edge of a cliff, and if I get too close I'll fall off and end up in restraints in a mental hospital. I think I have walked that fine line for a long time and just been lucky enough to miss that lovely bus ride so far. I just watched a movie called mr jones or smith or jeff or something and it just hit too close to home - he did all the things i think about doing but jsut don't thank god because he ended up in the exact position I worry about which is why I don't do those things. Sometimes a beer or a drink settles me but I have neither so I think a soda is on the menu. Or water. I've got some coffee too. I like coffee. I'll save the coffee for the morning. Theres that hyundai with the squeaky ass belt how annoying. this is getting weird.

tattoo day

I am having some good weekend time. I love going to PBB's house. I love being with her. Shes got bubble tummy today but its ok because its kinda funny. I'm getting tattooed today! I'll post pics after I get them done. I think PBB is going to stay home while I get it done which is cool, she's been suffering the wicked allergies and she needs to rest. I love love love her. She rocks. I feel like we've gotten to a good place together and I love it. She just makes me happy. You know that all ove happy that makes your whole body feel warm and tingly? Like that, but a million times better. She turns off the yucky roiling worry spot in my solar plexus. YAY TATTOOS! I'm psyched, can you tell? Rough week at work but I'm following her advice and leaving it at work. My students, some of them are such a mess, but I have my own messes to deal with, my own life, and their lives are just more than I can control. I can't fix the world, I can only offer comfort on their transient journey through my life. LOVE YOU BABY!

just one blessed stable day please

Post#1
All over the place, went from giddy happy dancing joy joy to breakdown in tears over finances (no money for kids add meds or my own for that matter) in one night. blech.


Post#2
Ok so posting below the one I just put up - had another night like last where I was in a great mood, everything was going swimmingly, and then I am snapping at and cussing my girlfriend whose grave sin was to not want to look at the web page I wanted her to see. she wanted to watch a show she had been looking forward to. this might seem like nothing but it is the first time in the two years we have been together that I have done this to her and she was taken aback, to say the least. to her credit, after walking away with a very few choice words about the situation, she came back to me and held me while I cried my eyes out bacuse lets be honest, im sorry will only works so many times before she gets tired of hearing it and wants me out of her life. i ahve decided i do not like the geodon and need to get off it, if anything, i feel stable by day and loopy by night and i am sleeping too much. its not a good feeling at all. i would prefer to just be off of it and not have to worry about it.


I love you baby. I know you were wondering what I was typing, here it is.
I am so sorry for yelling at you. i don't want to lose you. my love, my heart, my soul mate. you are my only one.

honey ...

i trust you. i think.

Sock Monkey

Hi Babe! l ... we are sitting outside talking about cleaning the office. I am thinking about the trip to IKEA. I was a hot mess. I was feeling very aggressive, like I wanted to "accidentally" ram a cart into someone or elbow that person behind me in line in the face. I hope your office turns out awesome. I hate feeling like I don't know who I am. I go in one day, in minutes sometimes, from being angry and aggressive to feeling like I want to help everyone I see do whatever it is they are trying to do. I know you think it is just this job, but it's really how I was before I met you. Getting divorced was a huge relief, it took so much off my shoulders that I was really stable for a while. I only hope you can see the real me and still manage to love me. I love you and your gas and your silly faces and your crankiness and your neatness issues and your humor and your talent and your heart! Your heart is so big and kind and easily bruised and I want to keep it safe for you.

hold the dark with the light, the good with the evil

My words:
coherence and fairness in administration.
hear what the teachers say.
fair policies - DRESS CODE
hinchcliffes field trips must continue.
the field trips should be school wide
continue dress down days as fundraisers for uniforms and field trips.
got to do positive feedback!!!!!
we need a fac.
tutoring and absences - absences are ruining a chance of "rigor"

My colleagues words:

why can't we have kids come during virtues? - I was informed today that all the kids lie to get out of virtues and that it makes ME look bad. REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

schedule for virtues tutoring
after school tutoring is not an option for all kids
school wide literacy plan needs to have teacher input.
we need to be aware of the high rate of ESE ESOL and medicated kids!
why so many meetings!?
ruby pain - in the ass
rather work with team on literacy and math strategies.
feel like we are all in survival mode


I am so tired.
I am tired of all the excuses
I am tired of the DRAMA
I am tired of the attitudes
I am tired of the fickle bi-polar nature of so many of our kids
I am tired of kids who won’t take their medication
I am tired of corralling students back on track when they don’t want to work
I am tired of telling kids to put away headphones and cell phones
I am tired of being told that I have to get my kids ready for an exam they are 5 years deficient for, then given NO time to assist my students in school.
I am tired of Ms. M insinuating that I have kids in my class during virtues because I don’t make them work during class
I am tired of the kids NOT wanting to be in virtues
I am tired of the inconsistent enforcement of the dress code
I am tired of losing my planning periods every time we administer a test or change the schedule
I am tired of losing my preps every Wednesday to sit in a training that honestly, I do not need and have already attended
I am tired of people yelling at teachers
I am tired of cleaning my room
I am tired of cleaning my bathrooms
I am tired of vacuuming, windexing, 409-ing, bleaching, etc.
I am tired of spending money on supplies that the kids break and lose
I am tired of finding my classroom door unlocked when I specifically locked it when I left
I am tired of kids being places they shouldn’t be
I am tired of kids skipping classes or disappearing for a whole period to go “take their medicine”
I am tired of kids being ABSENT! ABSENT ABSENT ABSENT ABSENT!!!! Or LATE LATE LATE LATE!!!!
I am tired of nobody listening to the teachers
I am tired of hearing the word “module”
I am tired of everybody at p.
I am tired of being told I must maintain a higher standard – I already maintain a high standard
I am tired of being told how to build relationships and talk to my students – by a person who has no relationships with the kids and doesn’t know how to treat them respectfully.
I am tired of the fact that every teacher here is disgruntled and upset and we have tried to voice our thoughts and we have been shut down repeatedly. We get no answers to our questions. What are you doing about absences and lateness? Why can’t I get test review materials? What classrooms are we teaching in next semester?
Why won’t you listen to us about MODULES!!!!!!
I am tired of not knowing who’s suspended, who’s coming back from suspension.
I am tired of the kids knowing everything before I do. They tell me who’s coming back from being expelled…God forbid the school should.
I am tired of not knowing who has an IEP
I could sleep for a month.

The words from a person after I finally lost it in class - you can't break down all the time, Christine. These kids are DIFFERENT. They have PROBLEMS. They have BAD DAYS.
REALLY!?!?!?!?! I NEVER NOTICED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB. I reply.

You haven't been dealing with them as long as I have. You don't know them as well as I do. You don't love them as much as I do.

KISS MY ASS. THIS ISN'T A PISSING CONTEST.

You bought one of the best students in this school lunch and she's eating it with you instead of being with MM? Wow, she lied to you and you look bad.

SHE DIDN'T LIE. MM MISUNDERSTOOD HER AND WOULDN'T ADMIT IT. SHE WORKS HER TAIL OFF LEARNING INSTEAD OF TRYING TO SNEAK POT IN THE BUILDING. LEAVE HER ALONE!

DE is here working on a school project? She must be lazy. Does she have permission from her teacher to be here? She does? I don't believe her. (to de) Go get permission. I need to know you are telling me the truth. (DE proceeds to be insulted for being called a liar and tells DP off. DP tells me kids shouldn't speak to me [myself] like that.

SHE HAD PERMISSION AND SHE WAS TELLING YOU OFF NOT ME. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GIRL WHO SAID SHE WOULD WRECK MY DESK AND SCREAMED AT ME FOR FIVE MINUTES IN CLASS???? NOTHING?!?!?!?!?!? SHOCKING.

I just can't believe the disconnect between the philosophy and the practice at this school. Why am I being treated so badly!? What did I do wrong? Stick it out here, love the kids with all my heart, have more face time than any other school in the district, give up my lunches and after school time to tutor, love them even though they had a bad day every single day, and never complain until I finally lost it? Yup. I'm a real jerk. A total mess.

I love her!

I just got a dog - she looks like phyllis diller, so her name is philly dilly. She is beyond cuteness. She's a chihuahua maltese mix,a s best as I can tell, and she is OFFICIALLLY the SMALLEST DOG I HAVE EVER OWNED. She might weigh 8 lbs sopping wet and my last two dogs were 45 and 95 pounds so this is quite a change for me. I just got her a little sweater along with a leash and collar because she has no hair - my sis in law (ex) but still friends! helped me shave her down so she looks less ... like a cancer patient and more like her namesake. She is smaller than DG's dog in the weight class but taller ... sooo cute .... I hope DG likes her. DG's dog Willpow is learning to tolerate her ... I do love my sweet DG and I want her to like my sweet puppy dog. DG, if you read this, please give love to Philly Dilly and I love you honey, you are my heart and soul. I can't begin to tell you how much you mean to me - the only people who are as important to me as you are my kids. So there. Deal with it. I love you!!!!!!!!!