be prepared.

The first day of school is tommorow. For me, this means a new job at a brand - new, literally, it just opened and we are all going crazy trying to make it all work, school, for my youngest son it means kindergarten, and for my oldest it means 2nd grade. He will be the oldest in his class, and remain that way for the rest of his career ... I think it means I am going to drive my girlfriend insane as well. I have been searching for a place to live for a month now. Trying to find a house on my budget in downtown Orlando is ridiculous. I moved in with her at the beginning of the year because I had no job and no place to go and my kids dad is living with his girlfriend. She was willing to let the kids live in her house but I don't trust him to take proper care of them - baths, proper bedtime, all that. Plus I miss them so much it makes my stomach turn traitor on my and I get really sick. SO I moved in with my gf. It almost dodn't happen ... I thought for a bit I was going to live in my car. My parents are great but they already have my 30 yo brother living there, he has a neurological disorder and he takes alot of time and energy. My dad is 72 years old. 6 people in that house is way too much. So I moved in here. I told her I would move out as soon as I got a job, I thought that was what she wanted. She didn't want to move to fast (we had been dating just over a year at that point) and I didn't want to overwhelm our relationship either but I had really limited options and she had a 5 bedroom house. So here I am now, with a job, looking for a place. At one point, when I jokingly said I would be out of her hair soon, no more Legos to step on, no more "Light up Orlando" in her house - her pet peeve is more than one light on in the house at a time - no more kids making noise during the day while she sleeps - she works night shift - we tiptoe and whisper to try to make it quiet enough, but kids make noise and forget and they shout or slam a door, and she is a light sleeper, so she wakes up and it is not a good thing when that happens - and I say it will all be better soon and she says if I didn't have kids maybe I would stay. I have kids. I love my kids. They are a part of me. I don't know exactly what is meant by that. So i stress about work and I freak about moving and I have a meltdown, finally, I cry and rant and she fianlly says; I will not joke with you anymore. I will not tease you. i will not be myself. Now I curse myself for being ... something. Selfish? needy? Her worst fear realized - codependent? All I know for sure is that I have NEVER started a school year knowing anything less that a month of lesson plans and having a grading scale in place and ll my little ducks in a row and I DON'T this time and I can't fix it and it's making me crazy but worrying about it won't fix it so I have to RELAX and I can't seem to do it and she is worried about money and we are a fucking mess.