MY This I believe

I think I know myself. I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. I know that right now I have this undercurrent of desire to run around the house singing and dancing and scream in the parking lot. I know I have a deep love of beetles and spiders. Especially beetles. I love beetles. I feel like jumping up and screaming sometimes and keeping it locked up makes me fidgety. I know that sometimes I think I would be happy to be dead, end on a relatively positive note and just get out while the gettings good, but I have kids and if they end up with their dad full time they might grow up to be REALLY WEIRD PEOPLE. I know that sometimes I fantasize about beating their dad into a bloody pulp and that the times I lost control of that urge when we were married could have been much worse than they ended up being. I'm pretty sure if I didn't have the job I have I would be miserable. When I wasn't doing what I do now I was miserable. I know I'm not right and when my temper surfaces everyone around me suffers. It makes me want to punch a wall. Sometimes I just kick the shit out of the wall. I hate the medication I take to make me not want to do that - it makes me fat and forgetful. So my choice is to be thin and angry or fat and forgetful. It makes me sleepy too. My girlfriend tells me I sleep too much. I love her too much kiss her too much hug her too much and tell her I love her too much too. I guess I'm jsut too much for her. I feel like I live on the edge of a cliff, and if I get too close I'll fall off and end up in restraints in a mental hospital. I think I have walked that fine line for a long time and just been lucky enough to miss that lovely bus ride so far. I just watched a movie called mr jones or smith or jeff or something and it just hit too close to home - he did all the things i think about doing but jsut don't thank god because he ended up in the exact position I worry about which is why I don't do those things. Sometimes a beer or a drink settles me but I have neither so I think a soda is on the menu. Or water. I've got some coffee too. I like coffee. I'll save the coffee for the morning. Theres that hyundai with the squeaky ass belt how annoying. this is getting weird.