gawd i am ancient

DISCLAIMER: THIS BLOG POST IS VERY PG 13. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK OF BEING OFFENDED OR SOMETHING.

just realized i have known Old Friend for 20 years. thats a long time in my book, especially since i moved here to the sunshine state 20 years ago. she had the best advice i could ask for from a great friend, namely, what happens to xh if he cannot or will not pay for his childrens expenses is not my problem. that felt great. i hadn't realized til now that he really is no longer my problem (that took how many years?) and if he doesn't buck up i can't fix it for him. he was codependent, i was gay, we were a total disaster together. i married him because i truly believed that if i didn't stay with him he would die. he actually passed out and lost some basic control on my 21st birthday when my lovely lesbian neighbors took me out and got me drunk. that was a defining night in my life. i had told hot neighbor that i dreamed of women often and thought of women when in bed with him; she looked over at me in her truck and said, totally deadpan, "you are SO in the closet." i blubbered and denied it and started thinking it may be true, and was going to talk to him about it the next day until i came back to my home to find that if i simply went out for a few hours he couldn't even control his bowels. i tucked my reservations about myself away that night and kept them tucked for about a year. after we got married, i denied those feelings to him and kept my fantasies to myself, thinking that all heterosexual women had fantasies about other women, and it was normal to close your eyes during sex so you could come to the fantasy that a woman was touching you. i told many lies to myself and him for many years. i help on to a love from high school all those years and thought it was just normal pining for old friendship. after all, she moved out of state and i never really saw her or talked to her, which i now realize was because to do so was to realize how much i loved her. i simply wanted what many women want - a family, to be normal, to fit in. to this end, i had lots of sex for many months before i conceived my first child. pregnancy makes me horny. i spent much of this time diggin up his porn to find the girl on girl action, still denying what that meant. after all, we were having a baby and the baby had to have parents. after he was born, i let the baby be the reason for lack of intimacy. that lasted a few years until i went to a gay bar with my little gay brother and met trisha. wow. al lot of pent up lust went into a mad makeout session in an empty room where the drag show had ended hours earlier and i came home with some mad hickeys that would demand explanation in the morning. not wanting to deal with that, i woke him and made sure he sucked my neck. i knew i was going to have to face my issues, but i wanted to deal with them in my own head before i told him. a month later the stick turned blue and i was preggo with ds#2. again, not wanting to to rock the boat, terrified of being a single mom, still in school, i let it go. by the time ds#2 was old enough for pre k and i was settled into a good job, i finally faced my issues. i was such a wuss. i had to be self sufficient before i did it. why i waited so long, i don't know. i can lay it out, explain it, say i thought this, here was my reasoning, but even as i do so here i do not understand myself.